September 11.

My Uncle Dayrel and Aunt Ruth are in California for a few days, staying with my mother. My mom is the youngest of six and Uncle Dayrel is the oldest of the six. We went to mass Saturday evening so we could get up early and drive to Sacramento to meet my family and visit with everybody. The getting up early part didn't work out so well and we got out of town later than expected, which for us is normal. We have never been early. We have never been the first to arrive.



We had a great day. We picnicked at Land park in Sacramento. My kids had a blast with their cousins. We hadn't been all together since last Thanksgiving so it was long overdue playtime. We suffered through some awful weather on Saturday, with three games we were at the soccer fields most of the day and it was too hot to breathe. Yesterday however, was absolutely beautiful and perfect.

I am in love with this photo I took yesterday of my brother Jimmy.

On the way home we listened to the coverage of the 9-11 commemoration events and had some good conversations with the kids about it. At one point between Stockton and Modesto, about a dozen people waved flags on top of the over crossing at the passing traffic.

Back at home, Tony made pasta soup [fideos] and mowed the yard. I shuffled around getting things in order for the week to come and tried to ignore all the parts of my house that have been neglected, like dirty floors and other dusty things. Blocking it out helps sometimes, but I know eventually I will have to face it. For now, I don't yet know when that will be. I wish I was the kind of person that could have someone come and clean my house. But even if I thought I could afford it, I can't imagine how I could be comfortable with a stranger cleaning all our dirty stuff and places. I don't know.

So that was our 9/11/11.

Now I will tell you my story of 9/11/01. It's not at all newsworthy but It's where I was and what I was doing.

My last day of full-time paid work was 8/31/2001. I was nine months pregnant, and I knew I would not go back to work after the maternity leave. Emily was three years and two months old and had been in daycare since she was 12 weeks old. I was overwhelmed with comfort and joy that I would now be a stay home mom to her and our new baby girl. Overwhelmed with joy and relief. The relief, was like none I had ever felt before.

So I plugged along three more days and on the evening of Labor Day, Monday September 3, Tony and I sat outside in our lawn chairs and thought about how funny it would be if we had the baby on "Labor" Day. We didn't. But we did go into labor a few hours later that night, and had a baby before one o'clock in the morning, which gave the "S" in my SWEET life, Sarah Grace, a September 4 birthday.

So on September 11, 2001, I woke up with a one week old baby in my bed and a three year old sleeping nearby. Tony had already gone to work when we got up. I turned on the TV and there it all was. I was home, horrified, with two little girls. The weeks and months that followed I just remember always having the TV on, nursing in the middle of the night while watching replays on C-SPAN because we didn't have all the cable news channels that go round the clock, worrying and grieving in disbelief like everybody else.

I guess I kind of remember it all through the fog of new motherhood. With all that love in my arms and by my side I tried, and then I failed, to understand it all. And so it is still.